Posted by
Joyanna Adams on Sunday, December 06, 2009 1:12:31 AM
Nobody Gets E-Mail-Tis' the season to be jolly!..and I got the perfect e-mail this week to go with the perfectly jolly announcement from the makers of Samuel Adams Beer...(A beer dear to my patriotic heart, of course.) They have just put out a beer with the alcohol content of 27%, and at $150 a bottle, many a man will want to give it a whirl.
This delicious looking brew has been banned in 13 states, due to the fact that most people walking the planet would end up walking around in circles, naked, and maybe wearing read slippers, a football helmet, white socks and a thong, if they had a glass---after having set fire to their own car.
I figured the beer, released during the holidays, and this email were all carefully planned...an American marketing conspiracy...and a great one too I might add!
So, if you happen to be fortunate enough to actually have a glass of Sam Adams New Utopias special brew...cut this out, and put it in your pocket.
Something tells me you're going to need it.
*****
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM, CAUSE,---CORRECTIVE ACTION
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper Bladder Control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause: a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself tied to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: See above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Cause: a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Symptom: Floor Blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run .
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Corrective Action: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Cause: You are dancing on the table
Corrective Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear It's water!
Cause: Somebody is trying to sober you up
Corrective Action: Punch him
Symptom: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup.
Cause: You're NOT in the men's room. Do not use urinal!
Corrective Action: Excuse yourself, exist and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers before existing.(optional)
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Cause: You have been in a fight
Corrective Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Cause: You've wandered into the wrong party
Corrective Action: See if they have free beer
Symptom: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
Cause: a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy
Corrective Action: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action; Have more beer until your voice improves
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar